“Stu, what are you doing?”
“Clicking cookies.”
“It’s four o’ clock in the morning; why on earth are you clicking cookies?”
“Because I’ve lost control of my life.”
the little grandmas on the counter oh my god
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girl: *stares outside of window on train, looking pensive*
boy: she’s so beautiful, so thoughtful, my manic pixie Dream girl
girl: *to herself* how many donuts can i stuff in my mouth at 1 time
when youre pregnant you can only eat tiny miniature versions of foods otherwise the the baby wont be able to fit it in its little mouth im a scientist
thank god Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton came together to make a PSA about the dangers of fake news
not to brag but this splat of mystery goo on the floor of the electronics section in my local walmart matches my shoes
Rules for meeting a dog:
1) be cool
2) pet it
3) do not steal it
4) stop running from the owner
5) put it down
6) this isn’t worth jail time